Love Remnant

It was just in the beginning of 1996. I was still pretty new to the Net at that time, and definitely a newbie at IRC.
     It was a usual afternoon. I was sitting at school, in front of a computer, logged on to IRC. Now, afterwards I cherish those quite, distressful hours when I can relax my mind totally not troubling with computers, lessons, time or IRC. But at the time I didn't know I would and didn't care I didn't. I wonder what was moving inside of my head right then.

I joined a channel called #Poetry. It was clear and simple what the name implied... it was a poetry channel.
      In the urge of not letting myself miss any poem I might like, I made it a habit to always log this channel. Luckily I had not forgotten to log this particular session either.

At the time being it had never stricken me that I would come back, in my thoughts, to remember this particular day. Not because of what had happened to me in my physical life, but because I had been touched by the story of a person's misery in life, or fate, or what ever you might call it.
      But as I said, at the time being I did not know. I did not even imagine.

<Mirash> Hi
*^Jenny is away figuring out a video problem msgs will be saved
<FloroCarb> Ok
<Mirash> ?
<Mirash> anyone here?
<FloroCarb> why yes
***Joins: PuReViL
<FloroCarb> hello mirash
***Quits: PuReViL (-)
<Mirash> hi FloroCarb
<Mirash> =)
<Mirash> How are you?
***Joins: Octavian
<FLoroCarb> I am good and you?
<Octavian> Very well thank you
<Mirash> Fine thanx
<Mirash> Got any poems anyone?
<FloroCarb> I do..
<Mirash> Floro, please go ahead
<FloroCarb> allright..
<Octavian> Do it
<FloroCarb>        too late...
<FloroCarb> Loosing my grip,
<FloroCarb> slipping...sliding
<FloroCarb> can't hold on,
<FloroCarb> pulling... pushing
<FloroCarb> drifting away,
<FloroCarb> falling...faster
<FloroCarb> can't bear it,
<FloroCarb> too late... too late
<FloroCarb> soon I will die,
<FloroCarb> so cold...so dark
<FloroCarb> closing me eyes,
<FloroCarb> praying...pleading
<FloroCarb> "Please God not me."
<FloroCarb> why me...why now
<FloroCarb> I beg of you,
<FloroCarb> one more...chance, please.
<FloroCarb> it isn't quite the same at that speed...
<FloroCarb> but it still gets the point across, I think..
<Mirash> It was cool
<Mirash> what happend?
<Octavian> Bravo
<Octavian> clap clap clap
<FloroCarb> This "friend" of mine used me to get to someone else...
<Mirash> oh, that wasn't nice
<FloroCarb> she pretended to like me...
<FloroCarb> then..
<FloroCarb> *slash*
<FloroCarb> *rip*
<FloroCarb> argh!
Floro carb really had an orignal way of expressing himself.
<FloroCarb> but I am over it now...
<FloroCarb> that poem helped me a lot
<FloroCarb> to understand it all
<Mirash> lol, I'm glad you are Floro
<Octavian> Anyone want to hear a very old one
<Mirash> sure Octavian
<Octavian> Dark Angel, with thine aching lust,
<Octavian> To rid the world of penitence:
<Octavian> Malicious Angel, who still dost
<Octavian> My sous such subtile violence!
Minutes pass as we recite poetry, talk about love and the pain it brings.

Continuty recites a poem just before Jennifer re-enters...

<FloroCarb> ahh...Love...
*Mirash has heard that one already, but it's a good one
<FloroCarb> such a beautiful thing
<^Jennifer> I am back
<^FloroCarb> welcome
<^Jennifer> let me back read
<^Jennifer> thanks Floro
<Octavian> Beautiful continuty
<FloroCarb> That was a neat line
<Octavian> And very fine typing to match
<continuty> thank you all
<^Jennifer> very nice
<continuty> hehe oct
<FloroCarb> in the world there is always such a beautiful continuity..
<FloroCarb> Mirash: where did the Nick come from?
<Mirash> FloroCarb, Mir means peace in russian
Some of the regular crap talked followed till Octavian...
<Octavian> Jennifer turn to entertain us with words
<FloroCarb> yes jen..
<^Jennifer> ok
<^Jennifer> --Silent Love--
<^Jennifer> Love was right before my eyes
<^Jennifer> Feeling of uncertainity
<^Jennifer> Andy my eyes were blind.
<^Jennifer> I never told you how I felt.
<^Jennifer> Although I tried...
<^Jennifer> But my feelings were buried within myself.
<^Jennifer> the years have come and gone.
<^Jennifer> And you still reside in my heart.
<^Jennifer> And always will as time goes on
<^Jennifer> Due to present circumstances
<^Jennifer> I still remain silent
<^Jennifer> Afraid of taking chances.
<^Jennifer> This is love unspoken
<^Jennifer> Not even a whisper
<^Jennifer> But a heart which is broken
<^Jennifer> fin.....
<FloroCarb> that is beautiful
<^Jennifer> thank you
<FloroCarb> it actually brought a tear to my eye
*Mirash cheers
<^Jennifer> :)
<FloroCarb> I can relate to that so much....*
*Octavian breathes slowley in delight
I guess Jennifer touched us all with her poem.
<FloroCarb> Love is such a wonderful thing...
<^Jennifer> most of my poems are about that guy
<FloroCarb> and at the same time it is so uncertain
* continuty claps
<Octavian> A moving experience jennifer, one which has befalen you
<Octavian> perhaps
<^Jennifer> yes
* FloroCarb gives Jenny a big ol' hug
<^Jennifer> thanks floro
<FloroCarb> so, what is the situation right now with you and him...
* Octavian dishes out tissues
<FloroCarb> *honk*
<FloroCarb> *sniff*
<^Jennifer> well....
<^Jennifer> he and I were very very very good friends
<FloroCarb> really...
* Octavian wipes away the stream of tears and struggles to regain composure.
<FloroCarb> how do you feel about this?
<^Jennifer> this began 15 years ago
<FloroCarb> that is a lot of time
<^Jennifer> yeah
<^Jennifer> you see, both of us were very shy....
<^Jennifer> never told each other how we felt
<^Jennifer> too afraid of rejection
<FloroCarb> and...
<^Jennifer> I had him over at my house 10 years ago this past November..
<^Jennifer> I was just a couple months shy of turning 17
<FloroCarb> yes
*** Joins: gigoteuf
<^Jennifer> we had a nice evening as pals...
<^Jennifer> air was thick.... vibes in the air
*** Joins:Zeroboy
<^Jennifer> neither of us acted
<^Jennifer> took him 45 min to get out my door that night when he had his coat on
<^Jennifer>we just made some small talk
*** Parts: gigoteuf
<FloroCarb> really....
<^Jennifer> I asked for a hug to break the ice
*** Quits: Octavian (Ping timeout)
<^Jennifer> we hugged and he RAN out the door as fast as he could saying "I was wondering about that"
<FloroCarb> then what?
<^Jennifer> I called out to him asking him what he meant
<^Jennifer> he said "Nothing" and didn't even look back just trucked out to his car
<^Jennifer> he sat in his car for another 20 min before he left
<^Jennifer> that was the last time I ever laid eyes on him
<FloroCarb> very confusing...
<^Jennifer> we didn't have any contact for 10 years
<FloroCarb> don't you have his number..
<^Jennifer> well, since we last saw each other, he has gotten married and so have I
<^Jennifer> I do have his business phone and home phone
*** Joins: JazzyLady
<^Jennifer> I found his email after searching for his address on the internet for months
<FloroCarb> Are you happy where you are now...
<^Jennifer> not really
*** Parts: JazzLady
<^Jennifer> I wrote a nice friendly hello email letter to him
<^Jennifer> he responded in the same manner
<^Jennifer> we have been correpsonding since right before this past Christmas
<^Jennifer> I have come to the realization that the most that I can have of him is his friendship (most likely internet friend)
*** Joins: Octavian
<^Jennifer> I don't know how happy he is with his wife..... he won't talk about her
<Octavian> I got kicked in the middle of that beautiful story. (rings his hands in anger)
<FloroCarb> thinking of such things buroughs into my heart like a dulled dagger...
<^Jennifer> there is still something there
<^Jennifer> I can feel it in his letters
<^Jennifer> they may not say a whole lot... it sounds weird.. but it is like a psychic thing (if you believe in that)
<FloroCarb> oh yes..
<FloroCarb> completely...
<Octavian> yes is me to
*** Quits: continuty (in memory of tatyana)
<^Jennifer> such a feeling of warmth comes over me when I read his mail
*** coninuty is known as continuty
<^Jennifer> that is where the poem of silent love came from
<Mirash> Sounds like you're still inloved with him Jennifer
<^Jennifer> it is unspoken
<Octavian> Wow thats terrible, 10 years makes much wine
<^Jennifer> I am
<FloroCarb> oh God....that is so strong in me too...
<^Jennifer> I love him more today than I did 10 years ago
Something about IRC; people are more open. Not as afraid of telling what they think and what they feel to total strangers. I wonder, would Jennifer tell her life story to a couple of strangers she just met on the streets? Let us say if they asked. I doubt it.
*Octavian has no poetry to express his sympathy
<FloroCarb> there is always such potenticies in me too
<Mirash> Yeah sometimes you wish life had this big undo button
<FloroCarb> when time comes
<Octavian> Amen
<FloroCarb> "I can feel it"
<^Jennifer> I missed him over the years... not a day went by that he didn't cross my mind
<^Jennifer> exactly Mirash
<^Jennifer> now, I at least have part of him.....
<Octavian> Lifes a shit sandwich and its always lunch time
When I come to think about it, we got pretty sentimental.
<Octavian> Jennifer do you have, 'someone'
<^Jennifer> I have an a**hole husband
<Octavian> NOOO
<^Jennifer> got married for all the wrong reasons!
<Octavian> What reasons, if I may pry to gain greater understanding
<^Jennifer> he got married (my first love I speak of) for the identical reasons
<^Jennifer> that is the kicker
<^Jennifer> I was pregnant
<continuty> you're against abortion?
<Octavian> Such indeed the worstest of reasons
<^Jennifer>yes... I am prolife
*** Joins: sPuD
<Mirash> You must like your kid
<^Jennifer> knowing what I know now.... I could have raised my baby on my own
<Mirash> boy or girl?
<^Jennifer> boy
<^Jennifer> he is 8 now
<Mirash> that's nice
The story moves on. Somehow it all starts spinning around Jenny and her fate of life. It was not a poetry channel anymore.
    Jenny tells her husband has been abusive, both physically and methally. But he's trying to change, she adds. She still hasn't told her old love how she really feels for him. Says she doesn't know how happy he really is. Doesn't want to intrude.

The discussion continues.

<Octavian> You have to strip everything else out of the picture and discover what YOU want, and do it
<Octavian> Nothing else matters
<Octavian> EVER
<^Jennifer> what I want I can't have..... lost that years ago
I don't know if talking out about this helped her anything, if it gave her the curage to talk with her old love about how she really feels for him. She reads a final poem before she parts.
<^Jennifer> I am going to just take each day as it comes
<^Jennifer> waiting to see if he opens up in his letters or not
<^Jennifer> waiting for an indication from him first
* Octaian farewells jennifer, and hopes to meet her again
<^Jennifer> same here Octavian
<FloroCarb> as do I
*** Quits: ^Jennifer (Love hurts some time)
I stay for a while, then I log off. I print the log.
mirash